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swagmancerSpoke to my dad yesterday about the CD (Ronen's debut album! Now available for $15 if you happen to run into me in person). We're working on the process to get said CD onto iTunes for online purchase, which also involves setting up an account with CDbaby. They want a profile, a list of similar artists and such. Should be fun, right? Until my dad (who, yes, helped me work on the album) comes out with this gem:
"I know there are some -- political things you like to do, but I think it's a good idea to avoid those until you have a following."
In other words, I shouldn't put stuff in my bio that might scare people away like, for instance, any mention of my gender identity.
My initial internal reaction was irritation but, because even after years of painstakingly growing the beginning of a spine I still have a crippling fear of confrontation, all I said was "That's a school of thought."
And then I spent most of this morning being fucking pissed off.
As if gender is purely political. As if my own thoughts on my own gender are something open to interpretation by anyone else. As if honesty is a luxury only reserved for those with a healthy fan base. And if anyone is going to avoid my artistic work based on which pronoun I use - because that's a subset of the people I'm going to attract if I avoid mentioning it - why the fuck do I want their 'support' in the first place?
I think my dad thinks he's approaching this from a business standpoint. He thinks there won't be enough out there for me if I'm honest from the start. I disagree because I know the queer community and its allies, I know fan culture and Tumblr culture and I know that all of them are huge, but I don't know how to get him to understand that. The fact that he's my dad in addition to being my business partner doesn't exactly make it easier. Because he once literally begged me not to go on hormones, which is something I'm planning to put motion on later this year and another thing I'm dreading bringing up with him. Because he once told me that even if I went through a 'sex change' he would never call me his 'son' (let the record show that I never even asked him to do that, but okay. good to know, pops). Because even if on the whole he's handling all this better than my mom is, things like this still happen from time to time.
I hate how alone I feel in this process sometimes. I've accepted that it's going to be a lonely process in that I'm the only one who can take this journey, but I hate feeling so alone. And I hate feeling angry because it reminds me how much of a fight it is and is going to be -- and how much it wouldn't have to be a fight if there wasn't so much resistance to the very idea.
John will say he's with me. I have him, at least. But the support of one person, however important they are otherwise, isn't enough to protect me from anger. His being able to soothe it might make me feel better, but it won't help anything actually change.
I've been calling 2012 the year I learned how to grow up (by my definition). I wonder if 2013 will be the year I learn to use my anger.
God, I hope so.
"I know there are some -- political things you like to do, but I think it's a good idea to avoid those until you have a following."
In other words, I shouldn't put stuff in my bio that might scare people away like, for instance, any mention of my gender identity.
My initial internal reaction was irritation but, because even after years of painstakingly growing the beginning of a spine I still have a crippling fear of confrontation, all I said was "That's a school of thought."
And then I spent most of this morning being fucking pissed off.
As if gender is purely political. As if my own thoughts on my own gender are something open to interpretation by anyone else. As if honesty is a luxury only reserved for those with a healthy fan base. And if anyone is going to avoid my artistic work based on which pronoun I use - because that's a subset of the people I'm going to attract if I avoid mentioning it - why the fuck do I want their 'support' in the first place?
I think my dad thinks he's approaching this from a business standpoint. He thinks there won't be enough out there for me if I'm honest from the start. I disagree because I know the queer community and its allies, I know fan culture and Tumblr culture and I know that all of them are huge, but I don't know how to get him to understand that. The fact that he's my dad in addition to being my business partner doesn't exactly make it easier. Because he once literally begged me not to go on hormones, which is something I'm planning to put motion on later this year and another thing I'm dreading bringing up with him. Because he once told me that even if I went through a 'sex change' he would never call me his 'son' (let the record show that I never even asked him to do that, but okay. good to know, pops). Because even if on the whole he's handling all this better than my mom is, things like this still happen from time to time.
I hate how alone I feel in this process sometimes. I've accepted that it's going to be a lonely process in that I'm the only one who can take this journey, but I hate feeling so alone. And I hate feeling angry because it reminds me how much of a fight it is and is going to be -- and how much it wouldn't have to be a fight if there wasn't so much resistance to the very idea.
John will say he's with me. I have him, at least. But the support of one person, however important they are otherwise, isn't enough to protect me from anger. His being able to soothe it might make me feel better, but it won't help anything actually change.
I've been calling 2012 the year I learned how to grow up (by my definition). I wonder if 2013 will be the year I learn to use my anger.
God, I hope so.
